See, 10 years ago, I was presented with the “twin flame” article that made me question my Sanity. I felt, even though I was in a marriage of going on 9 years at that point, I still felt like I was missing something.
I always explained the missing someone part, as like, not being able to experience having a Sister, or another part of me that I lost early on.
At 15 years old, my Earth Birth mother, was filling out Life Insurance Policy Paperwork with my Sperm donor and an Agent. I overheard a conversation stating she miscarried at the beginning of their relationship when she was 16 years old. First of all, I didn’t understand the significance of whether or not a woman has miscarried in her life. Why? Does that have anything to do with whether or not she was able to receive life insurance?
Not relative to the topic at hand.
I was told very young, a fairy tale relationship was unreal. It would never happen… You take what you get and move on with your life. You take everything, good and bad, even if you can’t change it.
The thing of it is, though.
I didn’t go out looking for my “Other Half” of my Soul. I wasn’t necessarily searching. I was totally convinced that I was going to be miserable the rest of my life because I decided to marry so young and chose a life with someone I knew I wasn’t in love with.
I didn’t do it intentionally.
You have to understand my relationship with my parents had nothing to do with my relationships outside of my parents home. My relationship between my parents was the cause behind the dysfunctionality in my adult life.
I didn’t look for my twin flame. My twin came upon me when I needed them the most.
In 2008 I was at the bottom of a bottle of Bacardi 151. On the phone with a good friend, only one I can honestly say I’ve drifted back to over the years since being married previously to my crazy ex. (shush, I’m being kind…)
I remember crying. Being alone. Feeling like I had no one to call my own.
No I’m not breaking into song. Having 3 children with someone who didn’t share half of my Soul was actually a large part of my own creation into my CPTSD over the years of my previous marriage.
The timeline matches simultaneously, which wasn’t something we ever really thought about until recently (which is, mind you 9 + years ago that our timeline started).
My abuse started by being aggressively yanked from my earth mothers (EM-for future purposes)… arms by my Earth Sperm Donor (ESD-future purposes). My EM was staying with her 3rd Cousin. We’ll refer to as the Wicked Witch of the Thornton’s bloodline. There was something dark about that being that I guess I’ll never understand. After knowing her Birth Mother as an Adult, I understood the deep rooted anger and depression the Wicked Witch Of T inherited. I mean I heard the stories from my EM about her family.
To be continued on that front.
Meeting Ty (My Twin Flame… whatever Term I resonate with in the future, this is the ONLY Phrase that best describes the particular connection the two of us have….) Was an emotional roller coaster. At first an emotional Freight train to be completely blunt. I didn’t know up from down.
My left and right? Oh my. They were totally and utterly thrown to the wind.
What was wind?
What color was the sky?
Am I even real anymore?
I stared into the profile pictures of their OKCupid.com profile.
How do I KNOW you? I asked myself.
Those eyes. I know those eyes…
That was it. The fact that this “Lesbian”… who was in fact the first I actually had EVER interacted with on ANY website of any sort… Was checking out my profile.
See if they say anything by tomorrow. I logged out.
I had no idea what I was in for. No idea what WE were in for.